To Date or Not to Date…That is the Question

When you are a single childless women people tell you that you will find the right person when you least expect it.  They make it sound like passivity is the key to finding your soul mate. But I’ve learned that if you are closed off to meeting someone you will not meet someone.  Wow!  That is one incredible insight. So today or not today… that is the question. Should you date?  Put your hopes in finding the one?  Put your energy into going out to places just to find potentially find someone you connect with. Or should you just let it go and just pursue your passions and hope that you find someone along the way without actively pursuing dating?

Just for reference, my opinion of actively pursuing dating is doing things like creating a dating profile, telling your friends and family that you’re looking for someone, and going out to places with the intention to meet a romantic partner, not just to have fun, and attending singles events. How do you know what the best course of action is for you? I’ll let you in on a little secret.  No one knows the future, so no one can tell you what the best course of action is with certainty. But, what I can tell you is that if you set your intention on something Eventually you are more likely to get there than if you don’t set an intention. So maybe the question is not whether you should date, but maybe the question is whether or not you should prepare yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally for a spouse. Well, I do have some suggestions on how you know whether dating might be for you at this particular time in your life or if you should put it on hold for the moment. 

You are ready to date when…

1. You are emotionally available: you are not hung up on another romantic partner, you are willing to invite romance into your life.
2. You are open to connecting with people: if for any reason you are closed off from connecting with people, whether it is because of fear of people’s judgment or fear of people hurting you, whether it is because you are focused on other things in life that won’t provide you the energy to give a romantic partner your attention.
3. You understand the value you would bring in a relationship: you understand what your strengths and weaknesses are and how you could contribute to the relationship.  You also understand what characteristics you exhibit that might be a more of a liability in a relationship. If you can objectively assess these things, you are in a greater position to open yourself up to meeting a person who is right for you.

 You are not ready to start dating if…

1. You are emotionally unavailable
2. You desire to find a spouse out of a sense of desperation or lack. If you have any thoughts that tell you will not be worth anything as a person without having a spouse or without having children, before you even seek a husband and children it’s imperative that you seek healing and truth. Because the truth is your worth has nothing to do with your relationship status or your motherhood status and you were created as a single individual more than capable of existing on her own and having innate value by just simply being alive. It’s imperative that you understand this, because if you don’t you will be putting a lot of pressure on your future husband and on your future children to fulfill your life purpose and that is an unfair burden to place on them.  Just imagine if someone told you that they believe the reason for their existence is to serve you.  Now granted, it might be flattering at first, but after a while that would become disturbing because you would realize that this person is really only serving you out of neediness to validate their self and their own existence which is in essence selfish.  So, you get to decide, do you want to be selfish; do you want to seek a husband and children to validate your existence? If so understand that that’s a very self-centered and selfish way to view these beautiful relationships. No judgment. I’ve been there and can 100% relate, but I’ve also accepted that I was there and decided that I no longer wanted to have that mindset.
3. You do not know what type of person you are looking for.  If you do not know what type of person you’re looking for, then you will date anybody. Let me be clear when I say “type of person” I’m talking about their intrinsic qualities not their height, skin color, and body composition.  No, those things don’t matter when it comes to having a long-term partner. I’m talking about values. If you and your partner don’t have the same values you won’t have a successful relationship.   These are principles that I’ve gathered from people who do have successful relationships.  So, if you don’t believe me then listen to the source. Anyways, I do believe that this is an imperative step in the dating process.   
4. You have a healthy view point on marriage and children: Based on my own experience I have always considered myself to be an intentional dater and started to date at the age of 28.  This was a very intentional decision at that point in my life.  Let me give you some background on my story.   Since the age of 13 years old, I knew that I wanted to get married and have children.  Actually.  Sorry. I misspoke.  Since the age of five years old I knew I wanted to be a mother. I will never forget that at my kindergarten graduation they asked each graduate “what do you want to be when you grow up?”  My answer was simply “a Mommy.”  The adults burst into laughter and as I scanned the room with my childlike vision and pure heart remember feeling genuinely confused.  I did not understand what was funny about me wanting to be a mother as a lifelong career.  As a 5-year-old girl I didn’t understand that being a mother was an occupation viewed as respectfully as careers where an individual is employed by an organization, works from the office and receives a paycheck on a regular basis. In my head I’m thinking “mothers love and mother’s work so to me that that sounds like a job to me.”  Fast forward 23 years and I realized, huh, maybe this is a good time to start dating if I am interested in being a wife and a mother.   Up until that point in my life I really wasn’t open to dating and I assumed that my husband was going to just come to me somewhere along my journey of life.   To be completing honest, I always envisioned meeting my husband in high school by the age of 18, going to college, and then getting married after graduation.  The perfect happily ever after.  Needless to say, that’s not how life worked out for me and I learned that valuable lesson that life doesn’t always work out the way you want it to.   But as I have matured I have come to understand and accept that this does not mean that your life is over.  I also learned the valuable lesson that life is uncertain.  If you would have told me at the age of 18 that by the age of 37 I would not be a wife and a mother I would have wholehearted denied that being a possibility.  At the age of 37 I am practicing accepting that although I still want to be a wife and a mother if those roles are do not become a part of my life story my life is not worthless that I am not insignificant.  I am not less than although I feel the society would have you to believe otherwise. So, what I’m trying to say is please, do not seek to become a wife and a mother of lack out of a sense of necessity like you need this identity in order to validate your existence. That leads to you idolizing marriage, your husband, and your children.  No one wants to be someone’s idol because anytime you put people on a pedestal they are bound to disappoint you as a result of being humans.  And do you really want to give another person the power to make or break the peace you have in life?  Do you want trick yourself into believing that they have the power to determine your significance in life? You can choose to do that, but I would like to offer you the opportunity to allow God to give you that much needed validation instead, because he created us and know exactly what we need to be whole.  He is a perfect God  and he’s the only one that we should worship because he is the only one capable of the pressure that comes along with being worshiped.  Human beings do not know how to handle being worshipped, we’re not built for that, and it’s just never going to work well.  Just look at the lives of so many celebrities who’s lives are destroyed because of the heavy weight of fame and idolization (aka worship) that they carry. if you feel like you need someone to complete you and you are less of a person without having a husband and children in your life, please hear me when I say I’ve been there, I see you, I love you, and I want the best for you.  But you’re not ready.  I encourage you to ask God to give you his eyes for marriage and family and to confess that marriage and children has become an idol in your life.  This is the first step into freedom and for God to assist you in living a more balanced and peaceful life with the understanding that your life is significant with or without a husband and children.

Deciding whether to date actively or let love find you naturally is a personal choice. The key is to prepare yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically for the possibility of a relationship. Recognize your worth independently of your relationship status, and ensure you’re ready to connect with others meaningfully.

Whether you choose to date or not, remember that setting your intention and being open to possibilities increases your chances of finding a fulfilling relationship. Life is uncertain, and no one can predict the future, but embracing your journey with an open heart and mind will lead you to where you’re meant to be.